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We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
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The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
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A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
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I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
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There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
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There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
When you\'ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
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It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Don\'t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Don\'t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I\'ve just learned about his illness. Let\'s hope it\'s nothing trivial.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels?!
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Honolulu, it\'s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife\'s mother.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
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If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
After every \'victory\' you have more enemies.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I\'d invented a time
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don\'t need.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Once you\'ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Honolulu, it\'s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife\'s mother.
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
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Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
A man can\'t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
Everywhere I go I\'m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don\'t stifle enough of them.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You\'d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
I\'m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
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The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn\'t have an air force.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It\'s the transition that\'s troublesome.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
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A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
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The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
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I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
If you can\'t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you\'d best teach it to dance.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Copy from one, it\'s plagiarism; copy from two, it\'s research.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, \'Where have I gone wrong?\' Then a voice says to me, \'This is going to take more than one night.\'
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
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Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
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The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
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Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
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The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Everywhere I go I\'m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don\'t stifle enough of them.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that\'s ok because you\'ll be a mile away from him and you\'ll have his shoes.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
I\'m Jewish. I don\'t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn\'t get bigger or heavier.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
You can pretend to be serious; you can\'t pretend to be witty.
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Don\'t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If it weren\'t for electricity we\'d all be watching television by candlelight.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Build a man a fire, and he\'ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he\'ll be warm for the rest of his life.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
After I\'m dead I\'d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
I don\'t approve of political jokes... I\'ve seen too many of them get elected.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, \'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don\'t believe?
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Everywhere I go I\'m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don\'t stifle enough of them.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
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